Thursday night the most atrocious of events occurred: The Penguin was kidnapped!

Even now it’s still hard for me to talk about. The mere thought of him alone in the hands of some penguin-crazed kidnapper is distressing. Oh, my poor Napoleon~

Last Thursday was our end of the year party for quiz. As The Penguin loves the quizzers to no small measure, he decided to accompany me. Little did we know what sort of evil designs laid in store for an innocent penguin.

The night went well. Our head coach handed out next year’s quiz books to those interested. We gorged ourselves on cookies and watermelon and other various goodies. We moved the couches into position as we watched Enchanted on Neemund’s projector.

Throughout the night, Napoleon went from person to person bonding and sharing the warmth of friendship. Several times he got overexcited and you could see his dancing silhouette on the movie projection. That got us briefly in trouble but it was all fun!

Afterwards as we were cleaning up, Doodle Bug (one of the quizzers) came up to me asking me if I had forgotten about someone. I was somewhat confused by the question and racked my brain to see what she could be talking about. I must confess that in the rather confusing aftermath of the party, I had momentarily forgotten about my dearest friend.

However, my lapse in memory was very brief and I quickly remembered. I noticed that FiveIronAna was trying to subtly sneak out of the room with The Penguin in her arms. Doodle Bug then mentioned offhandedly that FiveIronAna was going to murder him. Thinking it was all just a joke (I mean… how could such a horrendous thing even be thought of?!), I quickly chased her down and rescued him from whatever plans she had in mind for him.

The Penguin rescued and crisis resolved, I let my guard down. I’m still not quite sure how she managed to get her hands on him again but she did. Just the head coach and I were left and were idly chatting when The Call came. She had Napoleon and was already on the road.

I was worried for poor Napoleon but I was willing to write off this crime of passion as a rather impromptu vacation for him! But no, she had more sinister plans in stored. She then started listing her demands. The Penguin had become a hostage! What I had thought to be a crime of passion was really an opportunity to illicitly acquire worldly possessions

Not being one to fall prey to terrorist’s schemes, I immediately hanged up. Very rude, I know, but I was distressed and wasn’t thinking correctly! Thinking that perhaps my comrade T.T. was giving her a lift home, I called him up in hopes that he could rescue Napoleon. Sadly, someone else was giving her a ride. Things were looking bleaker.

I called back up FiveIronAna to listen to her demands. But then she started to tell me that Napoleon had jumped out of window as he was being tortured. That he had fallen alongside the Maple Valley highway at high speeds. To think of my dear penguin with road rash! And what’s more! She got her driver to run him over! Several times!

It was too much. My distress over this whole ordeal peaked beyond what I could bear. The thought of The Penguin mutilated and crushed, lying alongside the freeway… I had to give the phone to the head coach while I tried to compose myself.

Apparently that report was fictitious and was designed to get me more anxious in meeting her demands in a timely manner. My poor heart~! Through my intermediary, I finally listened to her demands as all hope seemed to be lost.

Her demands were 1) a new car, 2) a lifetime supply of Hershey (Nestle) Crunch bars, 3) some other lifetime supply of an edible substance that I have now forgotten about, and 4) a new cute (emphasis on ‘cute’) puppy with a dog sitter.

I’m a poor broke college student. I work to the point of breaking just to barely make ends meet. There’s no way that I could meet -any- of her demands. I tried to bluster my way through but it didn’t work. I tried to get her to diminish parts of her demands but she stuck fast with it. I tried to wheedle for more time. I could’ve gotten that but any length of time away from him was just too much and the longer it was, the more exponentially difficult it was to deal with.

I was doomed. The Penguin and I were destined to never see each other again.

Apparently Mudslide (another quizzer~) and Doodle Bug were with FiveIronAna. Mudslide called me from another phone and was telling me of his cunning plan: using a hot wheels car as a substitute for demand number 1. I thought it was a pretty good idea but apparently FiveIronAna got wind of it and immediately called me stating that it wouldn’t work. Doodle Bug then called me informing me that she’d rescue The Penguin for me and that I shouldn’t worry about it.

So I left it all in her hands. The fate of the world, well… the fate of a small penguin laid upon her.

FiveIronAna called me again but I ignored the call. Negotiation was no longer an option. Our reservation prices were just fundamentally different. Perhaps that assumption was a result of an incompatibility bias but I just didn’t care. I was far too emotionally drained to deal with it anymore.

Later I listened to her message. I couldn’t quite hear but what I could make out was truly distressing indeed. Apparently she was asking what sort of condiments would go well with cooked penguin. I’m not sure if it was a scare tactic or if she really meant it. I just don’t know anymore…

I returned home with a message from Doodle Bug telling me that she failed to rescue him. Visions of Napoleon with an apple flashed through my mind’s eye. Penguin on a stick… penguin a la casserole… penguin jumbo… penguin marmalade…

But it turns out that Doodle Bug was just pulling  my leg. How cruel girls can be! So I’ll get to see him tomorrow (hopefully). I’m trying to frame this entire ordeal as him going on vacation without me. I certainly do miss him though. I catch myself often looking up to where he normally sits only to find it empty. I sure miss my little aquatic bird buddy.

I can’t wait to hear his side of the story. While I may have been concerned, I’m sure he’s having the time of his life!

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