I don’t have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release

My distress has subsided considerably but still there lingers remnants of it. Dozens of thoughts and concerns plagued my mind as I tried to wrestle through them and sort them all out. I still have yet to get them all into order. It’s not like I’m dealing with just one issue but rather with a convoluted mess of issues. I feel like I’m waging war on all fronts.

I’m at a sort of crossroads and can hear the future calling out to me. I know that something needs to be done but I can’t ascertain as to what that something is.

That’s not quite true. I know some of what needs to be done. I just need start living it. I no longer have the fear of drowning. No, my problem is now the breathing.

But the thoughts that still haunt me leave me in doubt and confusion. I feel a great weight upon me as I reach out to explain why this is. Where do I go from here? I am paralyzed by my indecision. I know the end result that I wish to achieve but not so much how to get there. Or if I can even get there.

I suspect most of my worries will soon evaporate proving themselves to be not worth the time of day. I know I shouldn’t worry about the future. The present has enough worries of its own. But… The future and present are intertwined in such a way that it is inevitable that thinking of one should bring up the other.

As I was rushing out the door this morning, I lost my keys. Somehow from my desk to the front door, I had managed to misplace the keys. I was already late as is and losing my keys was not something I had time for. But then again when is it ever the time?

I searched in futility for the keys. I enlisted my siblings’ help in the search but that availed to nothing. I nearly drove myself mad retracing my steps trying to remember where I could’ve misplaced them. In the end I had to call up Neemund and have him come pick me up.

We were late for the midterm. Something that I had chided Neemund about the night before as I suspected that he would be late. No… I was the reason for our lateness. What a fool I am.

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A Yale student "pretended" to be undergoing an "art project" of an utmost obscene nature: through the use of terminated children. For more details on the story read (not for the faint of heart) on at the Yale Daily News as well as the follow up from Yale’s spokesman stating that she never did such a thing but that it was all part of her "performance." Schvarts - the student in question - is giving contrary statements. So the entire issue of whether she did or did not do such acts is in a rather ambiguous state at the moment.

Regardless of whether she did stoop so low to commit such horrendous acts or whether it was all part of her political statement that she’s trying to make, I do have a bone to pick with the Yale spokesman’s comment that they were trying to assert.

"She is an artist and has the right to express herself through performance art."

So all can be justified through art? Because she is an artist and because she is "expressing herself" it’s all forgiven? Deranged serial murders consider their work to be art. Shall we then just let it be and merely smile saying, "Oh, it’s ok. He’s just expressing himself through art. He is merely showing the beauty of the human body in an artistic fashion. Oh, you don’t agree with it? How close-minded are you! Who are -you- to subject -your- views of morality upon him?"

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In the midst of all the busyness of finals, vacations, parties, holidays, and life in general, I had my 20th birthday. As much as I used to joke about "surviving another year," it is rather amazing that I’ve made it so far. There have been several occasions in which, except for the hand of God, I don’t think I would’ve made it.

Twenty years… time certainly does fly by quickly. I feel as if I have wasted the years prior. Mm… wasted is not the proper word… Mismanaged is much more appropriate. The things I have done haven’t been a waste per se but I haven’t been a good steward of the time given me. Only now have my eyes been opened to the bigger picture. Which I guess is a part of growing up.

I can spend days lamenting upon my foolish youth but that would merely be a trap that my adversary would love for me to fall into. No, that would not do at all. Instead of looking behind me, I have my eyes on the future.

Just thinking about it excites me. Where once there was a dark veil over the future, I can now see it vividly. I’ve been given my vision and my calling. I’ve been filled with such passions that I can hardly contain them. The future is no longer a bleak prospect but something that promises so much.

I’m still a mess of a person and there is much to be done but the prize is finally in sight. Now it is up to me to run with perseverance the race set before me and claim it!