- Friday, February 22, 2008
- On Dating Righteously
For about seven weeks or so Mars Hill has been undergoing a sermon series answering questions that the church body had. They opened up a polling page, allowed people to submit questions, and then allowed people to vote upon them. The top 9 or 10 questions were then chosen and Pastor Mark Driscoll has done his best (which is pretty good in my opinion) to answer them.
Last Sunday the question was on the topic of dating and more specifically on how, as a Christian, to date righteously. This has been something that I’ve been thinking about off and on. I’ve struggled to put these idea fragments into a more solid and mature idea but I’ve failed in each and every attempt to articulate them in a fashion that makes sense and actually conveys what I’m grasping at. Mark has essentially captured the wisps of my thought trails on this and has converted it in a fashion that is presentable to others.
You can catch the entirety of the sermon on video here or read his sermon notes here. I would strongly recommend anyone dating or faced with that choice to watch the sermon and, as you have time, the questions segment afterward (Pastor Mark answers questions texted in during the sermon at the end of the last service).
His advice for singles as well as dating questions one should ask are well worth repeating and so I’ll take the liberty to do so.
Christian Dating Principles for Both Men and Women
- Maximize your singleness for God.
- Do not pursue a relationship until you are ready to marry.
- Be reasonable – do not set your expectations too high or too low.
- A date is not dating: date = time together; dating = couple (1 Tim. 5:1-2).
- Never go on a date or date a non-Christian (2 Cor. 6:14).
- Only date one person at a time.
- He initiates; she responds.
- Look at who God puts in front of you (e.g. Boaz & Ruth).
- Feel free to use technology (e.g. internet dating) wisely.
- Only invest in a relationship with someone who you are attracted to entirely (e.g. physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, ministry gifts).
- Only date someone who agrees with you on gender and family.
- Guard your heart (Prov. 4:23).
Christian Dating Questions for Men
- Are you overlooking good women (e.g. single moms, shy, divorcees)?
- Are you honoring, God, her, her family, her friends, etc.?
- Is she modest (1 Tim. 2:9)?
- Will she follow your leadership?
- Does she have noble character (Prov. 31)?
- Can you provide for the lifestyle she expects (1 Tim. 5:8)?
- Is she like the worst women in Proverbs (e.g. nag, loud, quarreling, unfaithful)?
- Do you want your daughters to be like her and your sons to marry someone like her?
Christian Dating Questions for Women
- Do you want to help him and join his course of life (Gen. 2:18; 1 Cor. 11:9)?
- Is he tough enough to remain strong in tough times (2 Tim. 2:3)?
- Will he take responsibility for you and your children (1 Cor. 11:3)?
- Is he considerate and gentle with you (1 Peter 3:7)?
- Will he be a good father (Ps. 127:3-5; Eph. 6:4)?
- Is he a one woman man (1 Tim. 3:2)?
- How valuable are you to him?
- Do you want your sons to be like him and your daughters to marry someone like him?
One of Pastor Mark’s closing remarks was, "Rather then worrying about dating, worry about maturity." That pretty much struck a chord in me. I’ve been wrestling with this whole concept of growing to be the man that God has called me to be and then there’s the sub-issue of dating thrown into that mess which only divides my focus. The timing of this message was very apt for my own life as I’ve been undergoing this thought process.
I need to set my house in order (if I’m allowed to use such an analogy) before I seek to share my life with someone else. And besides my own maturation needing some work, I’m not that comfortable promising that I’ll be the support of another when I’m not quite in the position to do so. But I’m close. I see that time approaching and approaching soon. God willing, I’ll be exploring that aspect of life within a year or so.
Now we’ll just see how well I can use the principles of concurrency and rapid development to my own life~ *smile*
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:44 am
[…] Elizabeth - MySpace Blog wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptHis advice for singles as well as dating questions one should ask are well worth repeating and so I’l l take the liberty to do so. (more…)…I would strongly recommend anyone dating or faced with that choice to watch the sermon and, as you have time, the questions segment afterward (Pastor Mark answers q…Last Sunday the question was on the topic of dating and more specifically on how, as a Christian, to date righteously…. […]
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
Two things.
1. concerning number 7 on dating principles. While yes that is an ideal way for things to happen it’s not always going to work that way. For some people if that had to wait for the guy they’d be waiting forever. There are some seriously dense guys out there who need to be told “hey I like you do you like me?” before they even get it. I’m not even kidding that sound rediculously dense but those guys do exist.
2. Being “ready to marry” I think could use some definition. For one thing it’s totally posible to be able to provide and what not for a spouse and still not be mature enough for marriage. I think you would agree. The same goes the other way, being mature but not add to provide and what not. Yeah ‘what not’ is vague but I’ll asume you get what I mean. All and all I think the maturity is more important than being 100% “ready for marriage” in the other sense.
I totally agree with number 4 and 0 thought. I’ve liked guys, strongly in fact, for one reason with out the others, and yeah. I knew ahead of time they weren’t good for me and that it wouldn’t work but try telling stupid heart that. Hearts are really stupid sometimes. Also, personally, Id like to date. Whether I should or not is another thing. But I don’t want to for normal teenage dating reasons but because I really want to get to know and have a relationship with some guy. Not just any guy but yeah… I couldn’t care less if we go out to eat or to the movies or what not I just want to spend time with them and get to know them and they get to know me. That sounds so corny and I hate corny but what can I say, hearts are stupid.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I thought about elaborating on some of these points, particularly point 7, as the basic outline just doesn’t do as much justice to the thought behind the idea that it deserves.
Whether or not the girl should initiate the relationship was one of the questions that was presented to Pastor Mark after the service. He answered that this sort of situation was exactly where the father (assuming you have a good father who be an asset in a courting relationship) steps into play. Have him “talk” to the boy at hand. Or if the courting relationship wasn’t an option and Christian dating is more what you’re looking at there then there’s nothing wrong with asking him what his plans were. “It’s okay for the gal to make the guy show his cards” as Mark said. Then he went on to say that Christian guys were cowards in that regards which is why non-Christian guys seem more attractive.
He also strongly cautioned that perhaps being the one to initiate it all is not the best place to be. In doing so you set the rules of the relationship to be that -you- are chasing after -him- and that’s not where you want to be. You want to be the one who’s sought after, who’s cherished above all things. You don’t want to be the one constantly leading the chase. I hope I’ve done some justice (I know I didn’t do full justice) to how Mark had answered the question. His answers are online* as well and, I believe, it’s the first of the sequence for that night. I would rewatch it but my sound drivers are corrupted so I can’t hear sound from video really well. It’s rather frustrating…
Of course that’s all assuming that you actually have a friendship-based relationship to begin with. It’s more difficult if you like the guy and don’t really even talk to him to begin with. And yes, I know there are such dense guys walking around. I’ve seen them, watched their tragic plight as they interact in something that has more potential then they could even realize. Though such things make interesting drama at times, its not something I ridicule. Perhaps I myself am one of those dense guys. Though in my case, I am purposefully dense.
And yes, I think “ready to marry” should have been given a better definition. Pastor Mark did an excellent job (by my assessment) in covering the overall topic of dating as a Christian but in attempting to cover such a large topic, points which should’ve been highlighted and expanded received only a cursory mentioning. Being “ready to marry” was such a point. I think your right in your assessment that maturity is the most important aspect in “being ready.” Perhaps I’ll attempt to do such an expansion on that train of thought in a later post.
As with many other things, this is not a end-all rule which everyone must follow. Correction: parts are an end-all rule such as the warning against dating non-Christians. The Bible specifically warns against that. As for the rest, I think as Christians there’s a lot of wisdom in here that we should take heed to and this is where my own thoughts have led me but by no means am I going to judge someone against it. One of my friends was dating his sweetheart all the way back in junior high and just married her having completed his bachelor’s degree. They are happily married but at the time neither of them were “ready to marry.” They were dating for what? Six to eight years? Forever it seemed to all their loved ones. So obviously there is success outside of the guidelines. Still I strongly believe that it is prudent to follow them and as I friend I would (and do…) use them to help my friends to be successful in their own quest.
* http://www.marshillchurch.org/sermonseries/religionsaves/week_07_qa.aspx